Dear Azzy and Zy,

It is four nights before your mom and I finally get to meet you and I can’t sleep. Maybe I drank too much tea today but I don’t think that’s it. It may have just dawned on me that in four days I will be a father—and I’m realizing how dizzying that is to say aloud.

People keep asking me if I’m ready and how I feel, and I don’t exactly know how to respond so I say things like “I guess so” and “good.” But I want to at least try and express to you what it’s like these few nights before your birthday.

I feel like I did when I was ten years old and my parents took me camping and I saw the stars unveiled for the first time away from city lights. We must have been gathered in our tent and winding down for the night when my dad said, “let’s go outside” and so we did. And there in a field among a symphony of crickets, I looked up and felt the weight of a night sky like I had never before seen or felt.

Nobody prepares you to see the stars for the first time. It seems impossible to describe how infinitely small yet immensely profound it makes you feel. It’s as if you are drowning in an attempt take in the vastness of the universe, trying to understand how an infinite emptiness can be littered with countless rays of light that began their journey toward you before you were even born. And yet, even as you flail in your comprehension, you realize the enormity of this privilege. Could it be anything but a miracle that we are allowed a moment rendered breathless by nothing more than a fingerprint of our own universe unmasked?

I don’t think I slept well that night either. It was as if I had experienced a singular moment that was all at once impossible and yet filled with possibility—and I wanted nothing more than to be worthy of that moment. This is kind of what it feels like anticipating your arrival. I really can’t believe that I am about to be a father… about to be your father. At the same time, I also know that I can’t wait to finally meet you, to hold you, and to stand beneath the stars with the both of you. They are breathtakingly beautiful, you’ll see.

Love,

Dad

2 replies on “Four Nights Before You Were Born

  1. Such a lovely, beautiful journal entry, Jay. Your children will be so lucky to have you as their father, and shepherd in the journey of life. I hope their delivery is uneventful. Good luck to you and your wife! Cheers! Sonja (surgery 2) =)

    Liked by 1 person

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