WASHINGTON, DC—On January 21, 2017, Sean Spicer became the first American to successfully count alternative attendance (alt attendance). Initially, this discovery only excited a few college professors who considered it a breakthrough for the 7:30 AM classes they teach. However, as the day progressed, many top physicists speculated this could finally be proof of an alternate universe. Their suspicions were finally confirmed when top alternative reality expert Kellyanne Conway definitively announced the discovery of alternative facts (alt facts).

This announcement quickly resonated on an international level as people gathered in the millions across the globe to don pink vagina hats on their heads—all as part of the alt reality celebration. Over the ensuing days, the world’s energy was focused on examining what alternative understanding could be derived from alt facts. The foundational alt fact appears to be the undeniable evidence of an unprecedented collision between an alternative universe and our current universe. This silent yet violent collision caused an alt Big Bang, which released what appears to be an infinite amount of alt facts into our current reality.

Alt physicists are still scrambling to alternatively understand everything they know. But we can now say with certainty that our existence is intermixed with an alternative time and alternative space. After decades of research [in alt time] in collaboration with Spicer, Conway was able to finally prove the duality of alternative truth. Conway coined the term “alt fact” while demonstrating this principle for the first time on January 22, 2017, when she modeled how unsubstantiated opinions could simultaneously exist as irrefutable fact. This belief-fact duality far exceeds our previous understanding of reality, established by more obscure non-alt scientists such as Max Planck, Albert Einstein, and Neils Bohr.

Currently, top alternative scientists in Seattle, WA are teaming up with Conway and other experts in the District of Columbia to understand how alternative medicine and alternative rock fit into the larger picture of alt facts. Given the relativity of alt space and alt time, there is now a growing theory [which is simultaneously also a growing fact] that the alt right is simply one of many alt directions trapped in an alternative reality.

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